Posted on: Thursday, January 28, 2010
Posted at: 7:55 AM A few weeks ago I said something about wanting support from a certain group of people. Fuck I know it wouldn't happen, shouldn't have even hope for it, not even the slightest bit.
When I finally found/get a job by my own (I got my previous jobs 'cause of others) I got a thrashing down session from the mother instead of a "hey I'm really happy for you"
Nothing of that sort.
Hell no actually I don't even want anything like that, I just want some peace and quiet and probably some acceptance. The father "offered" (more like force it down my throat actually) a job for me which is fucking underpaying me and working from mondays to fridays 9am to 6pm what the fuck and instead of telling me not to do it every single one in my whole fucked up family thinks I should do it because it's family and a whole lot of crap excuses.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Do you fucking hell know the extent of my anger and discontent?
I know I don't see my daddy often 'cause unlike you normal kids I do not stay with him or my brothers. Most dads in the world would definitely want to see their daughters, I don't deny that, and yes I will want to see him too but almost everyday?
Fuck no. Not after I had a taste of what freedom is like without CONSTANT NAGGING EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY.
I know he cares, in case some ignorant twit decides I do not know and do not know respect and filial piety and all that shit.
I KNOW THAT. If I do not this volcano would have erupted damn long ago.
And it still not gonna erupt because 1) I know how much it'd hurt and 2) I do not want to get scolded when I just did. IN THE MORNING.

I finally got something I want, yet everyone is going against it.
"go do admin job" "go help your dad" go do this go do that, fuck it go do yourself lah if you like it so much. I'm not you, I HAVE MY OWN OPINION ASSWIPES.

I've never done anything like what I'm about to do, 'cause I know it's impractical and I do know that not all parents are the sme but seriously do you people have any fucking idea how much I relly want to have supportive parents like how some of my friends have.
I used to just want a complete home, but I have long gave up that idea.
Now I just wanna do things that I enjoy doing (which can earn my an income duh) but do I have to give up that thought too?

No home, no supportive family.
What am I?
I return back to an empty shell every single day, and people are blaming me, saying that I do not spend enough time at home.
Let me ask you. Would you want to go back to a place, when the 1st thing you get home is to go straight to your room, lock yourself in it, and only come out when you have to use the toilet or the kitchen?
Do you want to have your meals in the room?
Would you not want to watch TV in the living room, on the couch, legs on the table?
All these simple details in life, you do not think twice about it, because you just have it. What about me? I do not have it. I have forgotten how all that feels like.
I have never felt home in such a long, long time. No not even when I go down to my daddy's place.
I used to feel that way, until I realised I had to sleep on the couch at night when I stay over because there's no room for me, not because I dozed off while watching the TV.

I am so unhappy but people just don't see it. Not their fault, because I hide it.
But now, I do not care anymore. I'm so sick of putting on a facade, for who to see?

You think I really wanna screw up my body clock like that?
It's just that I can't stand the idea of staying in a place that doesn't feel like home in the afternoon.
Fucking hurts.
Where do I belong?
No where.

I have a boyfriend, I have friends, but what about family?
What about home?
People just take all these for granted.
I really want to, but I can't

(Fuck swollen eyes)